Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Weigh-in Day 27.08.14 or: Third Time Lucky

I think it’s safe to say that weight wise, this year has been a rollercoaster ride of scale highs, scale lows, good eating, absolutely ridiculous eating, training like a beast, lying in bed ignoring my alarm clock, and a whooooooole lot of Cuervo.

It’s been a rough ride (Rough Rider, he he) but thankfully the road seems to be pretty smooth at the moment, and that’s led to some pretty helpful personal insights, and some pretty kick-ass weight loss. As I said to my nutritionist when he wanted to paddle my ass for gaining so much weight, THIS is the part that’s hard for me – the middle part. Not the beginning when you’re full of piss and wind and the fabulous novelty of it all. That’s always been relatively easy for me, carried along by willpower and well wishes, and losing a bunch of weight in a fairly short amount of time.

No, the hard part for me is once I start feeling comfortable about myself. I’ve still got a way to go sure, but now I can fit into slightly smaller clothes, I have slightly fewer chins, and I can sit in slightly narrower chairs. Then I’m all like, hey one extra glass of wine won’t make a difference, I’ve worked so hard. Or, hey one pizza won’t matter, I DESERVE IT, I’ve worked so hard. And hey, one month of eating like a motherfucker won’t matter because I AM INVINCIBLE AND WEIGHT GAIN DOES NOT AFFECT ME!

That’s how you go from this:

 

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To this:

 

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In less than 8 weeks. I shit you not.

But unlike the other weight loss journeys I’ve been on, this time I decided not to slowly but surely eat my way back to 130kg and beyond. This time I decided to kick this habit of wallowing in the comfort zone and doing a fabulous impression of a manatee. This time I decided to get back up, and harden the fuck up. That’s why in 10 weeks, I’ve gone from this:

 

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To this:

 

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Holla!!

Oh and in case you’re wondering, my tootsies have been pampered by Rouge Day Spa with a fantastic Gelish polish called “I’m brighter than you”.

 

Im Brighter Than You GELISH

 

I picked it for the name, natch. And because even if it’s pitch black, you’ll be able to follow me to safety just by the light of my toenails.

Now, even though the scale is once more my friend (and my nails look fabulous), I’m still scared. Twice this year now I’ve hit the 104s, and both times I’ve celebrated by jamming as much junk food in my face as possible, and immediately gaining weight the following week.

This was my weigh-in on 11 March:

 

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Followed by this two weeks later:

 

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Then this was my weigh-in on 25 April:

 

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Followed by this two months later:

 

Screen Shot 2014-06-17 at 9.11.18 AM

 

As you can see, I don’t have a good track record with the 104s. I don’t know what it is, but as soon as I hit them, I immediately fuck out and bump up the profit margin of the junk food industry by 500%. This is why you may see fast food cashiers driving Ferraris a few days later. Perhaps it’s because I’m so close that I feel I can take a break, perhaps it’s because I’m so close that I’m scared of getting to my goal, or perhaps I am completely fucked in the head. Who knows.

All I know is that this time, for the third time this year, I have another chance to make a huge difference in my life, and this time I’m going to take it. I’m going to meet this week head-on, eat right, train hard, have fun, and who knows – maybe this time next week, this:

 

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Will have gone down to the 103s and beyond. Good luck for the week to come folks, and wish me luck too. Third time’s a charm baby!

 

PS: How awesome do my toes look in all those scale pics? That’s 100% the work of the best spa in the Southern Suburbs, Rouge Day Spa. If you want to be pampered just as brilliantly, check out their Mani Pedi Monday special and treat yourself to some post-work awesomeness. Your treat to yourself on an otherwise FML Monday.

 

manipedi mondays

 

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It’s a hard-knock life for us

For those of you who get the reference.

For those of you who get the reference.

 

It’s only Thursday and so far it’s been the week from hell. For the past few weeks (well, nine really) I’ve been cruising along, following my routine, busy as fuck, yes, but pretty unstressed and pretty much loving life.

I guess the universe was severely constipated for those nine weeks, because this week it chose to take a giant steaming dump all over my life.

Allow me to demonstrate.

 

Monday

Up at 5am. Work work work. Then go to actual work. Gigantic motherfucking presentation – BAAARGGG! Work work work work work. Get home after 7. No food in the house because guess what, I was in Joburg over the weekend, so no grocery shopping. And now Pick n Pay is closed. Fabulous. Cobble together a breakfast for Tuesday out of table scraps and sticky tape. Call Mr Delivery to bring me some Nando’s and salad for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch. I’m sorry, HOW MUCH? I’m not sure if you heard me correctly, I just want to buy one chicken, not the entire fucking Nando’s farm!! AARRGG!! Royal Pains, The Good Wife, my solid gold chicken and some Lindt. Damn Will Gardner, you are hot.

 

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Not a bad note to end on.

 

Tuesday

Up at 3am wide awake, because, life. Fall asleep at 4:30am. Alarm goes off at 5am. I can already tell this is not going to be a good day. At gym. You want me to do WHAT? Why this is TRX hell, and nor are we out of it. (Yes, I can paraphrase Shakespeare at 6am. I’m that good.) Work, sweat, die. Weigh self.

 

Still rocking the Lemonade pedi.

Still rocking the Lemonade pedi.

 

Self is 700g down from last week. Self only needs to lose 5.4 more kilograms to get to 99.9. Huzzah! Get to work. More gigantic presentation! Work work work work Nando’s lunch yay work work work stress stress stress stress work work work work. Mail from new client – can you do this job by this time? Um, unfortunately not. No response. Guess I’ve just lost new client. Fuck. Sit in rush hour traffic at 6:30pm. Win the Guinness World Record for the fastest grocery shop known to man (6 minutes and 34 seconds). Go home, work work work some more. Rush off to pub quiz. Miss out on the Holy Grail of all pub quizzes by almost coming first without having a bonus round like the other teams. Fuck. Never been so bummed to come second in all my life. Cannot believe the women of today would rather sleep with Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling than Brad Pitt and George Clooney (one of the few questions we got wrong). Feel old. Get given a magnum of wine as a runner-up prize. The universe is just mocking me now.

 

Seriously.

Seriously.

 

Wednesday

Up at 5am. Briefly consider shooting myself. I should be going to gym now, but no. Grit my teeth and shower (side note: why is water always so much colder when it’s dark outside??). Make and pack up breakfast. Because no-one should be eating this early except for people coming off the night shift (mental note: watch Nightshift music video on YouTube). Get to work before 7am. I love my life. Work work work work work stress stress stress work work work. Rush out of work to make ophthalmologist appointment. Heavens open over the 10 minutes it takes me to walk to my car. Soaked from head to toe. The fabulousness just doesn’t end. Get to ophthalmologist. Sit down in the chair. I wonder if my sodden underpants are making a squelching sound. Hi there, I’m seeing white flashes in my eyes, and my pupils are contracted and irregular (i.e. I am doing a fabulous impression of a cyborg). Here are some drops, come back in two weeks, it could be serious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Freak out in the car on the way back to work. Am I going blind? Do I have cancer of the eye? It might be a tumour! OMG!

 

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No time to feel sorry for myself. Work work work work work work work. Have you ever written 25 Facebook posts in an hour? Watch this shit go DOWN. FML, I have SOOOO much coursework I have to do, I haven’t even had time to look at it yet. When am I going to do that? After work. Ok ok cool. Fuck a duck, now I have to cancel my Fairy Godmother get-together that I was looking forward to. For crying out LOUD! It is 6:30pm – WHY IS THERE SO MUCH TRAFFIC??!! Home. Coursework. And I have to beat some chicken breasts into submission. Literally. I can’t, I just can’t. Plans reorganised. Burgers, Lindt, couch, Wimbledon. Breathe.

 

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Thursday

5am. Again. Starting to wonder if I’m Bill Murray in some highly unnecessary Groundhog Day remake. Bloody pouring with bloody rain. And I have to go to gym to make up for the session I couldn’t go to yesterday. This is just getting better and better. Damn this bed is comfy. No-one will know if I go back to sleep…

Yes, I’ll know!! Good grief I should have my head examined. I must be suffering from some sort of mental deficiency, because that is the only reason why I am now driving to gym at 5:45am in what can only be described as a hurricane. I think I just saw Toto fly past.

 

Dafuq?

Dafuq?

 

Ok, let’s get this done. Yes, I’m tired, I have a cold (oh, did I forget to mention that), and my body feels like it’s been stuffed through a wood chipper and then put back together again, but it’s ok – I got this! Not doing anywhere near as much as I normally do in this session, but who gives – at least I’m here. And I have decided, (pant, pant, pant) that today is going to be a GOOD DAY! So there!

Home to a much-needed shower and a delicious breakfast, off to fix the puncture in my tyre (a little gift from the universe that I discovered on Sunday evening), in and out in 10 minutes, found out I can get my car serviced for way less at the same garage than at Barons (blood-sucking leeches), found a parking right outside work (half on a yellow line, but the universe has my back today so that’s ok), found a bunch of paid invoices in my bank account (HALLELUJAH), found out that client approved the OMFG gigantic presentation – WHOOP WHOOP! And just struck a fabulous deal with one of my freelance clients.

And as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve got leftover burgers to look forward to for lunch 🙂

 

Burgers!

Burgers!

 

Monday to Wednesday, you sucked giant hairy ass. Thursday, you’re doing your damndest to make up for it, and so far so good.

So what have I learned?

  • Life is always going to throw shit at you. Deal with it and move on.
  • When you can’t do your very best, do the best you can.
  • Get some goddamn sleep.
  • Hard work pays off.
  • Chocolate is good.
  • Happiness is something you choose, not just something that randomly happens to you.
  • Drinking a bunch of tequila and eating a bunch of junk food is not going to make your problems go away. Dealing with them will.
  • This too shall pass.

It’s been a tough week – exactly the kind of week that would make me drink, and drink HARD. But I’m proud to say that I didn’t reach for the booze once – in fact, other than thinking ‘hmm, this is normally the kind of thing I would drink through’, I didn’t think about alcohol at all. And last night when I was overtired, overwhelmed and overly emotional, I thought about pizza, and then thought, but how would that solve anything? I know, I’m as surprised as you are.

 

Apparently this is not the answer to all of life’s problems. Who knew?

Apparently this is not the answer to all of life’s problems. Who knew?

 

I now have the rest of my fabulous Thursday to get through, an awesome SA music gig to look forward to tomorrow night, and enough to do on the weekend to keep me out of bars, out of trouble, and in the black. I love my life. And this time I’m not being sarcastic.

 

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We were on a break

Break

 

Nicolaaaaaaa! When are you going to write another blog poooooooost??!!

If I had R1 for every time someone asked me that, I’d have about R3.50 by now, easy. I love blogging, I love that people actually read what I write without having a .40 calibre pressed against their temple, and I love even more that others are finding inspiration from my journey for their own. However, right now an average day of mine looks like this:

 

5am: Wake up

Rest day – Work, shower, breakfast

Training day – Gym

7:30am: Drive to work

TRAFFICFUCKMYLIFE

8:30 – 5pm: Work

TRAFFICFUCKMYLIFE

6pm: Home, breathe

6:01pm: Cook all my meals for the next day

7:30pm: Eat, watch Friends

8:30 – 10pm: Work

10pm – Fall asleep while watching QI

 

Literally. Every. Single. Day. The only difference between a week day and a weekend day is that there’s no driving to work involved – I just stay in bed working, and occasionally throw in a parkrun or trail run to stop myself from going completely batshit crazy. These people who think that freelancers wake up at 10am, work for about half an hour, then swan around for the rest of the day going to markets, wine tasting, having four-hour long lunches, then sloping off to an equally long dinner, are, quite frankly, fucked in the head.

 

Don’t EVEN get me started.

Don’t EVEN get me started.

 

Oh, and did I mention that I’m also currently doing two courses at the same time as well? I use the term “doing” loosely, as if I have about 5 minutes per day to spend on either one of them, it’s a lot. Add to that the trail running schedule I’ve just drawn up for myself, the fact that I have friends who occasionally like to see me, another initiative I’m involved in that I’m not going to get into right now, and a pub quiz every fortnight, and you begin to understand this face:

 

Crazy face

 

BUTTTTT!!!!!!

Last weekend, for the first time in almost 60 days, I managed to find two, blissful uninterrupted days of peace. No work, no demands, no clients, no writing. Just two whole days to do what I wanted, when I wanted. So what did I do?

 

Saturday

Slept till 6:30am – longest I’ve slept in for over two months.

Did 100 burpees. #likeaboss

 

Before.

Before.

 

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After.

 

Got a pedi at Rouge Day Spa.

 

Before.

Before.

 

After.

After.

 

Lemonade, by Orly. I can’t drink it, so I may as well wear it.

Lemonade, by Orly. I can’t drink it, so I may as well wear it.

 

Annual Women’s Day lunch with some of my favourite people:

 

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Fillet steak, spinach, mushrooms and mash. And yes, every bit was within my macros.

Fillet steak, spinach, mushrooms and mash. And yes, every bit was within my macros.

 

Then home to lazing on the couch and watching soppy girly dvds.

 

If you wear the Evo sweatshirt while you do it, you won’t be tempted to reach for the movie snacks. They can sense what you eat while you’re wearing that sucker. And they will not be amused.

If you wear the Evo sweatshirt while you do it, you won’t be tempted to reach for the movie snacks. They can sense what you eat while you’re wearing that sucker. And they will not be amused.

 

Sunday

Breakfast at my favourite place with one of my favourite people (shout-out to Wendy!). I didn’t take pictures because we were tired of having the paparazzi follow us. Also I forgot.

Then for an impromptu walk on the beach with dear, darling Tee.

 

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And a delicious sushi lunch that was slightly out of my macros due to the impromptu-ness of it all, but who gives a fuck?

 

That was shared between the two of us, just to be clear.

That was shared between the two of us, just to be clear.

 

At least I compensated by sticking to the sparkling water.

 

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Then off to the movies for the first time in lord knows how long.

 

Superheroes and pelvic sorcery – what more could a girl want?

Superheroes and pelvic sorcery – what more could a girl want?

 

And home to the couch, homemade soup and more blank, glazed vegging.

It was a weekend well spent, and I’m still living off the awesomeness of it all. Judging by my work schedule, it’ll also be the last free weekend I get until sometime in 2015 (I shit you not – I am currently on holiday in Joburg and I’ve spent more time in my room working than I have with my family, who I hardly get to see as it is).

BUT. I am grateful for the work, as it keeps me in food, rent and petrol. I am grateful for the chance to see my family and friends, no matter how fleeting, as it makes me appreciate them all the more. I am grateful I’m so busy, as it keeps me away from the junk food, and the boredom that makes me eat the junk food, and the spare time that makes me drive to the place with the junk food. And I’m grateful that with so much to fill my life, I’ve barely had time to think about the one thing I’ve taken away.

 

Well, ok, I think about it sometimes.

Well, ok, I think about it sometimes.

 

Awesome catching up with you peeps – think about me sitting at home working right now while you’re out getting Friday-night-hammered. Have one (or twelve) for me, and I’ll see you soon.

 

Kiss 1

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Weigh-In Day 06.08.14

Ok, so my weigh-in day was actually yesterday, but good news is still just as good when it’s old news. Check it out:

 

Still rocking my Rouge Spa Prince Charming pedi – holla!

Still rocking my Rouge Spa Prince Charming pedi – holla!

 

Yes people, that’s a full 1kg down since last week! I think that deserves one of these:

 

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Double digits are getting so close I can almost taste them! But at the same time I’m kakking myself a little bit. I’ve hit 104 three times this year, and every time I’ve celebrated by going out and eating myself stupid, gaining 3 – 5kg, losing it, then repeating the cycle all over again. The closer I get to double digits, the more unsure I am of if I’m ever going to get there. Right now it seems like a mythical state of being, one that only exists in fairytales, and not something I can ever achieve in real life.

But I know that the answer is for me to stop fixating on it – to treat it like it’s just another number on the scale, and not the GIGANTIC MENTAL MILESTONE that I’m making it out to be. My success so far has come from the fact that I’ve been able to make healthy living a lifestyle, rather than a short-term diet – I haven’t been obsessing about food or stressing about training; instead I’ve just made it part of something I do. And that laid-back attitude is what’s kept me going, and kept me losing.

 

And kept me having some fabulous sober fun with friends too!

And kept me having some fabulous sober fun with friends too!

 

So I’ll keep on keeping on, talking the talk and walking the walk, and some day very soon I’ll be losing it all the way past 100kg and beyond. Make sure you stick around for the day that scale reads 99.9 – it is going to be one EPIC PARTY, that you can count on!

Now please excuse me while I go heat up my bangers and butternut mash. This skinny chica needs to get her lunchtime on!

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The point of no return

Do you know what today is? Do you know what TODAY IS???

Today marks the halfway point in my 100 days of sobriety. 50 days down, zero drinks drunk, many lessons learned.

 

50 days down. Count ‘em.

50 days down. Count ‘em.

 

In trail running (she says, referring to herself as an expert after 2 walks), this is known as the point of no return – the moment at which there is an equal distance between the start and the finish. Until the point of no return, you can turn back as there won’t be that much ground to cover. But once you hit that point, you may as well carry on, because it’s going to take just as much effort to get back to the start as it will to the finish.

In the first two weeks (hell, the first two days) I considered going back. I weighed the pros and cons of saying fuck it, giving up my Friends box set and getting hammered. But the disappointment I would have felt in myself far outweighed the awesomeness of the glass of wine I then would have drunk. Because it wouldn’t have tasted of grapey fabulousness. It would have tasted of fear, failure and regret, and no way was I going to drink that in.

 

Also just look at those faces. How could anyone say no to those faces?

Also just look at those faces. How could anyone say no to those faces?

 

So instead I ploughed on. And today, here I am at 50 days! 50 days!!!! I never doubted that I would get here, but I did expect the journey to be waaaay harder than it has been. Instead, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. I have had a couple of bad days where I’ve wanted to drink until closing, I have had a couple of ladies’ nights where I’ve wanted to throw back a bottle of Cuervo, but other than that, I’ve actually been enjoying this time of introspection. I’ve been enjoying learning who I am without alcohol, finding new and different ways of spending my time, connecting with my current friends on a deeper level, opening myself up to making new friends, learning how to be alone without being lonely, and reaping the rewards of living a healthy, alcohol-free lifestyle.

However, while I’m celebrating being at the halfway point (which I should do because hell, that’s a freaking awesome achievement), I’m scared at the same time.

  • I’m scared that I won’t know what to do once the 100 days are up.
  • I’m scared that I’ll forget everything I learned and go back to being Little Miss Piss-Up five nights a week.
  • I’m scared that I’ll put back on all the weight I’ve lost and more.
  • I’m scared that I won’t be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with alcohol going forward.
  • I’m scared that my friends won’t take my commitment to my health as seriously once I’m done.
  • I’m scared that I won’t take my commitment to my health as seriously once I’m done.
  • I’m scared that I’ll make a deal with myself to not drink alcohol at a social occasion, and then go back on it within 15 seconds of pitching up.
  • And most of all I’m scared of having one glass of wine, and waking up 18 months later back in the land of 135kgs, depression and type 2 diabetes.

I’ve made it through the first 50 days because I had a plan, and that plan was to not hide away for 100 days, moaning and complaining about how I couldn’t drink, but instead to get out and about, live my life, party with my friends, be fabulous and learn about who I was without 19 000 drinks inside of me. And I’m proud to say that I’ve done that and then some.

I think my goal for the next 50 days will be to work through the AAARRRGGGG list of fears above, so that by the time I’m celebrating 100 days, I’ll know exactly who I am, where I’m going and how to get there with no fears whatsoever.

Well, I’ll still be scared of George Clooney actually going through with the whole wedding thing. But can you blame me?

 

So pretty…

So pretty…

 

Stay tuned for the next 50 days people – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

 

 

 

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Paging Nicola, come in Nicola

Ok, so as you’ve probably noticed, I haven’t put a blog post up for a while. This is not because I’ve been hiding at home feeling sorry for myself and shoving all manner of saturated fats into my piehole. Oh no! For once I have actually been a good girl (hard to believe, I know). The reason why I haven’t posted for a while is because:

 

1. I have been working like a muthafuuuuuuuucka!

Seriously. It’s like someone ran a nationwide ad campaign for my (writing) services without me noticing, and the whole country suddenly decided they HAD to get me to write for them. I don’t blame them, because I am pretty freaking fabulous. But it does mean I’ve barely had time to pee in the last 7 weeks, let alone blog.

In all seriousness, I am massively, hugely grateful for the work. As a freelancer, I depend on it to pay my rent and keep me in Lindt 85%, so I am in no way, shape or form complaining. What’s noteworthy about it is that the tsunami of work began as I started my 100 days of sobriety. I’m a huge believer in things like that, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that because I took control and started to take care of myself, the universe decided to start taking care of me too. So I’m gonna keep on riding that work wave as long as it hangs around. In the meantime, here’s a picture of me you can cut out and keep by you in case you miss me too much:

 

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2. I have been hitting the trails

Yes, I am now a trail runner. Ok, walker. But still, it counts! For the past two weekends I have been trudging up hill, down valley, over dale (whatever a dale is), across bridges, through rivers and having a grand old time.

 

Trail Run 2

Grand old time.

 

I initially signed up for the Spur Winter Trail Series just out of curiosity – I wasn’t expecting to like it because walking bores the fuck out of me, and hiking is just for crazy people who like walking uphill a lot. But to my gigantic surprise, I actually love it! Yes, I am now close personal intimate friends with the sweepers (the guys who walk right at the very back – or as I like to call them, my walking partners), yes I have come stone last both times, and yes, I fell on my ass in the mud FOUR times, but who cares – I have taken up trail running and I love it! I’m even going to go out and get me some proper trail shoes – that’s how much I’m into it (I know right?). My next run (walk) is scheduled for the end of the month in Franschhoek. Look out for me – I’ll be the one coming in dead last, with a big smile on my face!

 

Sort of like this.

Sort of like this.

 

(On a side note, Fit Girl Fab shirts work just as well on the trails as they do in the gym. I even got a shout-out from the MC for my awesome gear. Of course by then I was too exhausted to do more than nod a vague thank you in his direction before passing out from fatigue.)

 

3. I have been sticking to my sobriety like you wouldn’t believe

Check it out people – 47 days down and still going strong!

 

47 days

 

No cheats, no close calls, no real urge to drink, nothing. I wouldn’t say it’s been easy – there have been a few girls’ nights out where I’ve wanted nothing more than 1 or 12 glasses of wine, and a few times I’ve had to restrain myself from French kissing people just so I could suck the alcohol out of their mouths, but other than that it’s actually been ok. 53 days to go, and I still got this!

 

4. I have been getting hotter

I shit you not. Take a look.

 

Day 1

Day 1

 

This morning.

This morning

 

See what I mean? Way hotter. Please inform all your single male friends – I expect my inbox to be full by the time I get back from lunch.

 

5. I have been losing weight

The scale does not lie.

 

Two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago.

 

Last week.

Last week.

 

This week.

This week.

 

All in all, that’s a total weight loss of 11.6kg in the past 6 weeks. Oh yes people – I am a lean, mean, weight loss machine and I am showing no signs of slowing down. Be afraid, double digits – be very afraid!!!

 

6. I have been making time for things that don’t involve drinking

As busy as I’ve been, I know how important it is for me to do some fun stuff, or else my brain will explode. And we don’t want that. Which is why I’ve been:

Going out with the ladies

 

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Going out for (soft) drinks

 

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Going for trail runs (see previous)

Painting

Booking trips away

Booking future road runs and trail runs

Booking for folk music awesomeness

 

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Taking bubble baths

Reading

Dancing around the house like a crazy person

Going to pub quiz (sorry, that should be WINNING pub quizzes)

Doing extra-curricular courses

Sitting on my ass watching chick flicks and eating chocolate

Getting my nails done at Rouge

 

Pretty no?

Pretty no?

 

prince charming

 

This is a colour called Prince Charming. Before you ask, no, I have not found him yet. But if you see a confused guy riding around in circles on a white horse, please point him in my direction.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the things you’re trying to achieve, that often you forget to take time out, have fun, be mad, crazy, silly, and just do the things you love doing, or even just do nothing at all.

(And on that note, if you feel like doing something fabulous for yourself, Rouge is running this awesome pampering special every Monday:)

 

manipedi mondays NEW

 

So ja, that’s what I’ve been up to for the past couple of weeks. Not binging and feeling bad, but getting up to all sorts of awesome stuff and feeling good!

 

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Catch you on the flip side peeps – have an awesome weekend, and spare a thought for me as I continue to work my fabulous ass off.

Mwah xxx

 

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