Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

The point of no return

on August 4, 2014

Do you know what today is? Do you know what TODAY IS???

Today marks the halfway point in my 100 days of sobriety. 50 days down, zero drinks drunk, many lessons learned.

 

50 days down. Count ‘em.

50 days down. Count ‘em.

 

In trail running (she says, referring to herself as an expert after 2 walks), this is known as the point of no return – the moment at which there is an equal distance between the start and the finish. Until the point of no return, you can turn back as there won’t be that much ground to cover. But once you hit that point, you may as well carry on, because it’s going to take just as much effort to get back to the start as it will to the finish.

In the first two weeks (hell, the first two days) I considered going back. I weighed the pros and cons of saying fuck it, giving up my Friends box set and getting hammered. But the disappointment I would have felt in myself far outweighed the awesomeness of the glass of wine I then would have drunk. Because it wouldn’t have tasted of grapey fabulousness. It would have tasted of fear, failure and regret, and no way was I going to drink that in.

 

Also just look at those faces. How could anyone say no to those faces?

Also just look at those faces. How could anyone say no to those faces?

 

So instead I ploughed on. And today, here I am at 50 days! 50 days!!!! I never doubted that I would get here, but I did expect the journey to be waaaay harder than it has been. Instead, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. I have had a couple of bad days where I’ve wanted to drink until closing, I have had a couple of ladies’ nights where I’ve wanted to throw back a bottle of Cuervo, but other than that, I’ve actually been enjoying this time of introspection. I’ve been enjoying learning who I am without alcohol, finding new and different ways of spending my time, connecting with my current friends on a deeper level, opening myself up to making new friends, learning how to be alone without being lonely, and reaping the rewards of living a healthy, alcohol-free lifestyle.

However, while I’m celebrating being at the halfway point (which I should do because hell, that’s a freaking awesome achievement), I’m scared at the same time.

  • I’m scared that I won’t know what to do once the 100 days are up.
  • I’m scared that I’ll forget everything I learned and go back to being Little Miss Piss-Up five nights a week.
  • I’m scared that I’ll put back on all the weight I’ve lost and more.
  • I’m scared that I won’t be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with alcohol going forward.
  • I’m scared that my friends won’t take my commitment to my health as seriously once I’m done.
  • I’m scared that I won’t take my commitment to my health as seriously once I’m done.
  • I’m scared that I’ll make a deal with myself to not drink alcohol at a social occasion, and then go back on it within 15 seconds of pitching up.
  • And most of all I’m scared of having one glass of wine, and waking up 18 months later back in the land of 135kgs, depression and type 2 diabetes.

I’ve made it through the first 50 days because I had a plan, and that plan was to not hide away for 100 days, moaning and complaining about how I couldn’t drink, but instead to get out and about, live my life, party with my friends, be fabulous and learn about who I was without 19 000 drinks inside of me. And I’m proud to say that I’ve done that and then some.

I think my goal for the next 50 days will be to work through the AAARRRGGGG list of fears above, so that by the time I’m celebrating 100 days, I’ll know exactly who I am, where I’m going and how to get there with no fears whatsoever.

Well, I’ll still be scared of George Clooney actually going through with the whole wedding thing. But can you blame me?

 

So pretty…

So pretty…

 

Stay tuned for the next 50 days people – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

 

 

 

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3 responses to “The point of no return

  1. Awesome work and well done!!! You are such an inspiration and it’s wonderful to have people like you sharing your story. Thanks Nicola.

  2. Shilo says:

    I’ve been really appreciating having your story to read. I just passed 100 days myself after a serious nightly binging/abuse period of close to 6 years.. I haven’t been able to find any links to the end of your journey though. I now am struggling with solving the very issues you brought up worrying about half way through your 100 days. Did you end up continuing to abstain after the 100 days were up, or were you able to develop a healthy relationship with alcohol afterwards? I’m very curious as to how things worked out for you after this journey. Thanks so much for sharing this story with us

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