Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Weigh-in Day 25.02.14



So I’m excited about two things today!


1. The scale is going dooooooown!

2. How freaking amazeballs are my nails??!


I shall deal with each of these wondrous events separately.


1. So, since last Tuesday I’ve been back on track baby!


Eating – clean as a whistle (are whistles especially clean? I’ve never really understood this)

Drinking – water. And only water. Mmmm, yummy! I didn’t want any wine when I went out for dinner on Saturday, no sirreee! (Sob.)

Sleeping – You won’t believe this, but I got MORE than 7 hours sleep last night! Praise Jesus, it’s a miracle! (Thanks big guy.)

Training – li-li-like a BOSS!


I also managed to survive my first weekend in the past four weeks without going off plan even once. Normally I manage this just fine, but it’s been really difficult the past few weeks. But I’m back on that wagon, with my butt a little less padded than before. I shall be writing to whoever (whomever?) is in charge and demanding my medal for such astoundingly good behaviour.

So with all that said, I was definitely hoping for a loss on the scale, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that big. I know that all you eager beaver followers have no basis for comparison as I haven’t posted my weigh-ins for the last two weeks, but trust me when I tell you it’s major. Double digits and two-toned lady lovely locks, I’m coming for you!


2. Seriously, can we all just admire the awesomeness that is my brand-new Rouge Day Spa pedicure?




I figured since I’m going all out with my goal to get to double digits, I might as well go all out with my tootsies too. Which is why instead of picking red or pink, this week I went with DOESN’T MATTER IF THE LIGHTS ARE OFF YOU CAN STILL SEE ME Orly Glowstick.




It’s summer so why not, and it’s part of the Orly Hyper Bright range, which perfectly fits my hyper awesome mood!


I’m totally feeling the purple or orange next time round.

I’m totally feeling the purple or orange next time round.


Plus, bonus – during my pedi, the fabulous manicurist Angelique told me I had “beautiful toes”. That’s a direct quote people. Sure, I’m stone cold single and weighing in at 106kg, but I have beautiful feet, and that’s what’s really important in life!

Stay tuned for next week’s episode where I continue to show the scale who’s boss in an epic grudge match of note. Warning: may include scenes of explicit language, violence and partial nudity.




On rewards and things

February’s been a tough month, I’m not going to lie. What with random unexplained weight gains, a week off from eating and training and a subsequent completely explained weight gain, the scale has not been my friend.

Added to which indignity, I have been KAK busy as well – between my day job, my freelance clients, the fitness course I’ve just started and a (mysterious) side project that I’m busy implementing, I’ve barely had enough time to breathe, let alone blog. Hence the temporary silence from this corner of the Internet.

All of which has combined to make the hunt for those elusive double digits that much more protracted and drawn out. In my dark self-defeating moments I often think, fuck my life, will I ever get there?? But then the rational side of me kicks in and says, yes, you will get there, eventually – just keep plugging away. And maybe don’t hang out in bars so much.

So that’s what I’m going to do – refocus my energy on stringing together as many good days as I can, and not letting the occasional bad one destroy me. Although I don’t actually plan on having any bad days. Because the sooner I can get that scale below 100, the happier a Nicola I will be.

A more stylish Nicola I will be too, because I have decided that as a reward, I will be making over my hair à la Kaley Cuoco. Observe:


Two-toned lovely lady locks!

Two-toned lovely lady locks!


To that end I have printed out this pic and stuck it on my wall at work to look at every day and remind myself of the commitment I’ve made and the reward that I’ll be getting as a result. As it’s right next to a pic of George Clooney, it sort of looks like I’m having trouble picking a team, but whatevs.




Rewards have always been a tricky thing for me. In the past I would reward myself for good behaviour by smashing a bunch of food in my face that I hadn’t allowed myself for a while. The same logic as an alcoholic rewarding themselves for a month of sobriety with a bucket of vodka. It didn’t really work.


This is not a reward. This is self-sabotage with icing on it.

This is not a reward. This is self-sabotage with icing on it.


Since I started this journey however, I’ve started to look at rewards differently. Now that I’m starting to actually like the person I am, I don’t want to shovel a shit-ton of crap into my mouth under the banner of a “reward”. I don’t think that feeding a fitter, healthier body with bad carbs and fats constitutes a reward in any circumstance. I do, however, think that rewarding the new person you are, and the work that you’ve put in, with things that add value to your life is a much more fulfilling experience – and that’s what I’m going to be focusing on doing going forward.

Because a reward that’s actually a punishment in disguise just isn’t good enough for me anymore. I want things that make me look better, feel better and add to my sense of self-confidence and self-worth. The only thing I’ve ever found at the bottom of a bucket of KFC is self-loathing and regret, so I’m sure as shit not going to be looking for a high five from Colonel Sanders anymore.




Will I celebrate my double digit achievement by going out for drinks with my girlfriends? More than likely. Will I ever eat cake/pizza/fast food again? Absolutely. But I won’t be doing these things as rewards. I don’t see them as something I’ve “earned” simply because I put in a ton of hard work and got some great results. I’ll be doing these things because I want to, and because I’ve actively made them a part of my plan (the part designed to make me not go bat-shit crazy).

So whether my rewards take the form of a new hairdo, pedicures, facials, clothes, books, movies, whatever, any type of gift I give myself is going to be fabulous, calorie-free, and designed to feed my soul, not my body.

And that’s something I’ve definitely earned.


I’m baaaaaack!

So rest week is done and dusted and I’m back on the healthy eating/training/living wagon once more. Some parts were great, some parts were shit, but all parts taught me valuable lessons that I can take with me on the next phase of my journey.


So what did I learn?


1. Junk food sucks ass

When I started rest week, I saw that there were two different paths I could choose to go down.


A) Be kind, gentle and nurturing to myself, and use the time to rest, relax and rejuvenate.

B) Go buck wild and do all the stuff I’m normally not allowed to do.


I’ll give you a nanosecond to guess which option I went with.


It all started, innocently enough, on the way home from work. I had to rush to get home and make dinner before rushing off to pub quiz, which is normally a giant ball ache (the cooking, not the quiz). It’s shit, but I do it. This time however, Bad Nicola started yelling “KFC DRIVE-THRU” as soon as the key hit the ignition. Good Nicola was like “OH HELL YES”, and the rest is history.

Or to put it more accurately, the rest was: KFC, sandwich, coke, chocolate, pizza, coke, pies, chocolate, hamburger, coke, more pies, more hamburgers, more sandwiches, more KFC, Simply Asia, chocolate, FUCK MY LIFE THE GUILT, beer, pizza, more beer, tequila, beer beer beer, tequila, 4am McDonald’s, OMG I AM GOING TO THROW UP.

Bitch don’t mess around.




It started off fun, but it ended with me being painfully full, tired, grumpy, irritable, and generally not a nice person to be around. When I was living in Binge City for so many years, I thought everyone felt the same as me – permanently slow, full and tired. It was only when I switched to my current way of eating that I woke up, literally and figuratively, and realised that no, I didn’t have to live like that anymore. Last week I went back to living in a bad carb and bad fat-induced haze, and it taught me that I never want to go back there ever again. I want to feel alive and awake and energised and vital, and if that means that I never find out what those two new bloody Magnums taste like, so be it.

(On a side note, I also learned that my alcohol tolerance is still higher than the Empire State Building. High five for awesomeness.)


2. Being lazy is awesome

At the beginning of rest week, I was all moody and grumpy because I couldn’t go to the gym. It didn’t take long for that feeling to pass. Pretty soon I had swapped my “train, work, cook, sleep” routine for something along the lines of “bath, read, work, lounge around, binge watch series, eat takeaways, watch more tv, ooh let’s go for a beer, pass out”. I’d love to tell you that I soon saw the error of my ways, but unfortunately I loved it!


I may never get out of bed again.

I may never get out of bed again.


When I’m in the zone, I’m super focused and I don’t stray from my path by one inch. My friends can all attest to this. But carrying on like this indefinitely eventually burns you out, and can have the opposite effect of driving you down a one-way road to Disaster Town. I don’t want this to happen, so in the future I’ve decided to make more time for me, and unclench from time to time. Nicola the Machine is great at losing weight and getting fit, but normal Nicola would like to read a book or stare glassy-eyed at the tv from time to time. And that’s not a crime.


3. The weekend is for rest

People always love saying, “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it”. Yawn. But they’re actually right. This year I changed a bunch of stuff that I didn’t need to. I added more training sessions, became more involved in giving people advice, immersed myself even more in health and fitness – and I think that’s what caused the house of cards to come tumbling down.


Ok no, at some point you actually are allowed to stop.

Ok no, at some point you actually are allowed to stop.


During my rest week I unplugged completely from all of this, and just gave myself some time to BREATHE. And it was exactly what I needed. So going forward I’m going to go back to what worked, and stop trying to change things that were fine to begin with. I don’t need to train 6 times a week, I don’t need to spend all my weekend time on Facebook forums, and I don’t need to dedicate my life solely to health and fitness. What I do need to do is take my weekends back and make them all about me. Because at the end of the day, that’s the only person who’s going to get me where I need to go.


4. My friends are awesome




And I really need to spend more time with them. Nuff said.


So with all that said, how did this week’s weigh-in go, you ask? Here’s how:





Yup, that’s right, not telling! I will tell you that yes, I did gain some weight (I ate KFC all week; I wasn’t exactly expecting a 10kg loss) although the gain wasn’t as big as I expected. I’m not embarrassed or worried about the gain – it’s water retention mostly and it’ll be gone in a week or two. The real reason I’m not showing you what’s on the scale is because I started Comeback Kid this week, and I’m keeping my starting weight a secret! Girl’s gotta have some kind of strategy up her sleeve! Mwaahaahaa!

What I will tell you is that as you can see, my feet look super fabulous again. That’s because during rest week, I visited Rouge Day Spa again and was treated to a gorgeous spa pedi by the wonderful Angelique, while I sat back and did absolutely nothing. Bliss!


It’s difficult to be stressed when you’re surrounded by comfort on all sides

It’s difficult to be stressed when you’re surrounded by comfort on all sides


As a nod to Singles Awareness Day on 14 February, I had my toes painted in gorgeous shiny Orly Ignite. I may not be getting any action but my toes sure as hell are!




So to recap, here’s what I’ll be taking forward through into the next stretch of my weight loss journey:

  • Don’t eat the junk food, it’ll make you feel like shit
  • Unclench once in a while, jeez
  • Read books, take baths, watch as much series as you want
  • SLEEP!!!!
  • Stop training 6 days a week – you aren’t a machine
  • Rouge Spa is awesome
  • Rest week needs to happen more often (but don’t push it)
  • You can still drink like a Davidson, well done!

Oh and of course no looking forward would be complete without a look back – so here’s a before and after of me and one of my best mates (woohoo Matthew) at his birthday in Feb 2013 and Feb 2014.


Good lord we are attractive people!

Good lord we are attractive people!


It’s good to be back!


Rest is a weapon

Today is supposed to be my weekly weigh-in day, where I show you a picture of my hoped-for weight loss, and my beautifully manicured toes (thank you Rouge Day Spa!).


A brief reminder of my beautiful Pink Pixel toes.

A brief reminder of my beautiful Pink Pixel toes.


But this morning I didn’t weigh in. And there’s a very simple reason for that.

I’m tired.

My body is tired, because I don’t give it enough sleep, and I force it to wake up at 5am Mondays to Fridays and 6am on Saturdays to train.

My brain is tired, because I keep force-feeding it a diet of fitspiration, fitness blogs, fitness groups, and fitness TV programmes.

My spirit is tired, because I keep giving advice, keep trying to be inspiring, keep making sacrifices and keep pushing, pushing, always pushing.

There’s so much going out, and not enough going in. There’s not enough pampering, nurturing, relaxing, encouraging, acknowledging, and most of all, resting.

And so I’m not just tired. I’m weary through my bones down to my soul.


Rest Days


I know that if I keep stretching the string, eventually it’ll fray and break, and all my hard work over the past 8 months will be erased in a 4-week epic binge the likes the world has never seen. And we don’t want that, not when I can finally fit into my size 40 jeans.

What we do want is more me-time, more resting time, more time to reflect on how far I’ve come, and how much I’m going to crush it the rest of the way.

But I can only do that if I take a break for a while. Which is why today marks the beginning of The Week of Rest!


Rest Days 2


During The Week of Rest I will be:

  • Taking bubble baths
  • Reading
  • Watching movies
  • Seeing more of my friends
  • Sleeping late
  • Partying it up on the weekend (happy birthday Matthew!)
  • Unplugging from anything and everything fitness related (including this blog)





Then I’m going to come back, refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated, ready to start the next part of my journey – which will kick off with 8 weeks of Comeback Kid (perfect timing if I do say so myself).

But I’m not worrying about that for now. Right now all my energy will be focused on me, and recharging my batteries for the months ahead. Since 1 July, I’ve been training 5 times a week (Christmas holidays included), been super militant about my food and alcohol intake, been highly active on fitness forums, and focused almost every minute of my day on health and wellness. Nicola deserves a break, and I’m going to give it to her.

Bob Harper says it on The Biggest Loser all the time – “rest is a weapon”. This week I’m going to find out just how powerful that weapon can be.