1. Ok, it’s a Friday night, I’m out for drinks, I got this!
2. Damn look at all those smokers sitting outside.
3. Try to inhale as much second-hand smoke as you can while walking past.
4. Aaah, that’s the stuff!
5. Now, where to sit? Guess I don’t have to ask for the smoking section anymore.
6. Hey that doubles my seating options. That’s cool.
7. Oh, no space outside because of all the smokers. So I have to sit inside on a sunny day. Fun.
8. Great, my friends aren’t here yet. Not sure what to do with myself now.
9. Helloooo Mr Waiter, please come take my order!
10. Ok drink ordered. Now what?
11. Seriously, now what. Am I just supposed to sit here?
12. Oh my word, what do non-smokers do with their hands??
13. Ok, fold them in your lap, that’s a good idea.
14. Great, now I look like a 5-year-old at a tea party.
15. Ok, rest your hands on your knees.
16. No, now I look like a mafia boss about to order a hit.
17. Hmm, I could do with a manicure.
18. Manicure. The Cure. Lovecats. One of my favourite songs in high school.
19. Oh god, high school reunion coming up.
20. How am I going to get through THAT without nicotine??
21. Seriously, how late are my friends?
22. I feel like everyone is staring at the girl just sitting in the corner.
23. At least if I was smoking I would actually be doing something.
24. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
25. Look around, look around, see what other people are doing!
26. Hmm, this is actually a really nice place. Probably wouldn’t have seen the inside if I was smoking.
27. Ooh and there’s a band.
28. To accompany all the smoking that’s happening outside.
29. What are all the smokers doing? They look like they’re having so much fun.
30. Whereas I’m stuck in here, all by myself.
31. Thank god finally, the first friend arrives!
32. Come come, order a drink, then we can finally chat.
33. And I can DO SOMETHING with my hands.
34. Ah, here comes your Cosmopolitan.
35. A Cosmopolitan is one cigarette long.
36. Is it weird that I measure the time it would take to drink a drink by how long it would take to smoke a cigarette?
37. I wonder if I’m the only person who does that?
38. Hey, your friend’s talking – look lively!
39. You know with that white top and red hair, she almost looks like a lit cigarette.
40. Aah, cigarettes.
41. Come on man, keep it together!
42. OK there’s a pause in the conversation.
43. Normally you would take a drag of a cigarette here.
44. The pause is getting longer.
45. And now it’s getting awkward.
46. Think of something to say.
47. Think quicker!
48. OHMYGOD this is the longest anyone has not spoken ever!
49. Oh thank the pope, here comes other friend. She’s a smoker – perhaps she’ll insist that we sit outside!
50. No such luck.
51. I wonder how I can convince her that she needs to go smoke.
52. Let’s try telepathy.
53. You. Want. To. Go. Outside. And. Smoke!
54. Why is she just sitting there smiling?
55. Ok we’ve established that I suck at telepathy.
56. And that no smoking appears to be happening.
57. Sigh.
58. Ok ok concentrate on the conversation. Interesting things are apparently being said.
59. Hey, look at the time – it’s been 30 minutes and you haven’t thought about smoking!
60. And the clock resets to zero.
61. This would be a nice place to come in winter though.
62. And I can FINALLY sit inside.
63. Unlike that woman who’s standing outside by the window smoking, talking to her friends inside.
64. And I guess it would be nice to stay part of the conversation, rather than having to run off for a smoke every 5 minutes.
65. Ooh, this means that I can finally go out anywhere I want without having to check if they have a smoking section first!
66. I can finally go to fancy restaurants!
67. Like the Test Kitchen!
68. Mental note: Find a boyfriend who can afford to take me to the Test Kitchen.
69. George Clooney can afford to take me to the Test Kitchen.
70. And he doesn’t smoke either.
71. Maybe this non-smoking thing isn’t so bad after all.
72. Hey look we’re paying the bill.
73. My first night out as a non-smoker and I survived!
74. I rule all! I am now a non-smoker! Nicotine, you are powerless against my awesomeness!
75. But let’s walk back past the smokers again on the way out, just to be safe.