Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Things I think when my alarm clock goes off at 5am. In winter.

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1. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

2. What is that weird soundtrack playing over my love scene with Tom Hardy?

3. There’s coffee right? When an alarm goes off this early there has to be coffee.

4. NO! No no no no no no no!

5. This has to be some kind of sick joke. It’s so dark I can’t even see my HAND in front of my FACE!

6. If you let me sleep for five more minutes I’ll do five extra burpees at gym. Haha no I won’t, now fuck off and die, you stupid alarm bitch.

7. Maybe if I keep my eyes closed the noise will go away.

8. A loony bin. That’s where I belong. A loony bin. Because only someone completely unhinged would set their alarm THIS BLOODY EARLY!

9. <quiet internal sobbing>

10. Suck it alarm clock! I am up, I am at ’em, and while the rest of the world is sleeping, I am going to chisel myself into a rock hard sexy bitch! I am the winter ninja – now let’s go KICK SOME ASS!

 

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We apologise for the break in transmission

Test pattern

 

 

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Here’s what you missed during the break.

Over the past month I have:

  • Tried my damndest to get under 100kg
  • Put way too much pressure on myself
  • Set unrealistic goals
  • Tried to change too much, too soon
  • Given too much energy to others and not kept enough for myself
  • Moved away from what worked last year
  • Driven myself crazy trying to figure out what I’ve been doing wrong
  • Felt overwhelmed, uninspired and worst of all, uninspiring
  • Come close to giving up completely
  • Almost given myself a work-induced stress aneurysm
  • Drunk a motherfuckload of drinks

 

When I say a motherfuckload, I am NOT kidding.

When I say a motherfuckload, I am NOT kidding.

 

  • Eaten my way through the Mr Delivery menu
  • Smoked a supernova’s worth of cigarettes
  • Watched a LOT of True Blood

 

Can you blame me?

Can you blame me?

 

  • Booked my hair appointment, because fuck getting under 100kg first

 

6 June here we come!

6 June here we come!

 

 

Orly Plum Noir

Orly Plum Noir

 

Stylish no?

Stylish no?

 

  •  Spent waaaaaaaay too much money
  • Had endless conversations with friends over endless drinks trying to figure out what the FUCK is wrong with me
  • Realised that nothing is wrong with me and that I just need to give myself a goddamn break
  • Made some decisions regarding all the claims on my time
  • Decided to go back to what worked last year
  • Realised that telling myself I need to lose X amount by Y date is a sure-fire way of making me go bat-shit crazy
  • Gotten my shit together
  • Pulled myself towards myself
  • Hardened the fuck up
  • Etcetera
  • Decided not to put a time limit on my weight loss
  • Decided to go back to my award-winning “just do what the people you pay tell you to do” plan
  • Decided to make me, my health and my journey my number one priority
  • Stopped stressing
  • Stopped hiding
  • Started living again

 

Failure

 

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