Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Things I have realised

1. It’s important to take time out to relax. Too much focus for too long can lead to burnout, swearing, hair pulling, and a bizarre need to stick one’s head into a vat of wine at 9am.

2. Trail running is awesome.

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3. I don’t need this blog quite as much as I used to at this stage of my journey. When I started this blog, I needed it to share things about my journey as I learned them, whether from a nutritional, training or emotional standpoint. Now, nearly two years later, I’m comfortable with my weight loss journey and what I’ve learned so far, and I don’t have as strong a need to share everything – mostly because there’s nothing new to share. Wait till we get to maintenance. I know fuck all about maintenance. That’s going to be fun.

4. I need to learn how to say no. I say yes far too often – to work, social engagements, people, situations, all out of a desire not to let anyone down. I now find myself overwhelmed with work and in a number of convoluted, undesirable situations, all because I find myself physically incapable of saying no. And at the end of the day I’m letting the most important person down – myself.

5. Wine is awesome.

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Too much wine, however, is not. I have two more social situations planned between now and when I go away for Christmas – the only two situations in which I’ll be drinking between now and the end of the year, and while I know I’m totally going to drink too much at these events, I’m actually ready for moderation now – which is the plan for 2016. No more sobriety, but alcohol and macros all the way. Will someone please call Guinness because I don’t quite believe it myself.

6. I don’t like eating junk food anymore. Fucking bloody fucking hell. Seriously? My one go-to for when times were tough, and it doesn’t even work anymore. After drinking a spectacular amount of Pinotage on Saturday (it’s called Pinotage on Tap, what do you expect from me?) I did what I would normally do which is eat a bunch of food the next day (this was planned, fear not). And to my surprise, disbelief and horror, I didn’t enjoy it. Sure, the food tasted good while it was in my mouth, but afterwards I felt overfull, sluggish, lethargic, bloated, tired and generally like crap. Plus my feet were the size of dinner plates thanks to all the water retention. So bang goes that strategy for making me feel better. I’m alive with pleasure now.

I enjoyed this lunch more than I did the pizza I had on Saturday. I actually want to cry right now.

I enjoyed this lunch more than I did the pizza I had on Saturday. I actually want to cry right now.

7. I don’t even know what my freaking size is anymore. I had to get a lady at Woolies to measure my bra size FFS. 38 D as it turns out. I don’t even remember the last time I was a D. When I started my journey I was about an F, now I’m a paltry D. Someone said to me the other day something about how “oh but you only have small boobs” and most of me wanted to cry. Big boobs and blonde hair has always been my thing. Now that I’ve lost 55kg, oh yay well done me, but now all I have is blonde hair (and even that’s mostly fake). Come back boobs, all is forgiven!

8. This journey really and truly is one of self-discovery, and not just of salad. Here I sit, not knowing what my size is, not knowing how to reward myself, not knowing how to cut loose, not knowing how to enjoy myself – because all the ways in which I used to do these things, and all the things I used to know about myself have been stripped away. Mostly because they were bad, sabotaging, damaging things. I had a minor freakout yesterday – WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW???? – and started feeling resentful because everything I used to love now no longer loves me. And I guess I could have stayed in that negative space, feeling annoyed and irritated and hard done by. But that’s not really me. There are a lot of things I’m unsure about at the moment, but the one thing I know is that I’m a positive, optimistic person. And so instead of getting upset at the fact that certain external stimuli no longer hold the same value for me, I’m going to get excited about the fact that my internal support structure of self-love, worth and esteem has grown to the point where I’m able to validate myself, rather than rely on other people and other things to do it for me. I might not be able to say no, but there’s a lot I’m able to say yes to, and I’m looking forward to finding out what excites me, what soothes me, what cheers me, what fills me with joy and passion now that food and alcohol no longer do. They should never have needed to in the first place, and although it’s taken a fuck long time for me to realise that, there’s no going back now. So let’s see what the future holds. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to find out!

9. Oh and the last thing I’ve realised – never weigh yourself after a weekend of drinking and eating carbs. I found this out a long time ago, so I didn’t even bother weighing myself today. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Which means if you’re looking for a scale pic, you’ll need to check back in next week 😉

Cheers!

Cheers!

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