Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Back from the dead

on January 31, 2017

coffin
SURPRISE! Thought I was gone forever didn’t you? Well I’m back, finally. The poking and prodding and pleading finally did the trick, and here I am putting pen to paper once again (metaphorically speaking of course).

I’ll have you know though, that I’m not happy about it. And why? Let’s go through the list shall we.

  1. I’m feeling uninspired as fuck. It’s very difficult, nay, impossible, to inspire others when you’re not feeling very inspired yourself. So I thought instead of going through all that effort of pretending to be sparkly and shiny and yay, hooray, I’d do nothing instead.
  2. I’m fat again. That’s actually the real reason to be honest. And while I’d love to blame the fuckshow that was 2016 (Alan Rickman, sniff), unfortunately the only person I have to blame is myself. Too much drinking, too much junk food, not enough running, not enough training, too many excuses, not enough hard work. Plain and simple.
  3. I’m embarrassed. Do you know what it’s like to give talks on losing tons of weight, to be in magazines, to be trending on News24 as a “weight loss inspiration”, and to then go and gain a metric fuckton of weight inside of a year? It’s embarrassing as all hell, and I was ashamed of myself. I felt like an imposter, a joke, and a laughingstock. So instead of actually doing something about it, I chose to hide and eat and drink my way through it instead. This is a wonderful coping mechanism – I would really recommend it. Hashtag sarcasm.
  4. I’ve lost my way. Where I once found consistency and sustainability so easy, now it’s harder to find than a virgin on prom night. It was the one weapon in my arsenal that I could always count on – the ability to recover from setbacks in a nanosecond and soldier on regardless. Now, however, when I fall off the wagon or have a shitty day, I let old habits and bad decisions weigh me down and keep me in a rut far longer than I have any business being there. Why? One of the many questions I hope to find the answer to this year.
  5. I feel like I’ve let people down. I’m supposed to be Nicola the Amazing – the health coach with a solution for everything, the one who works and works and works, who motivates and inspires and is insanely, overwhelmingly positive and fabulous. And I haven’t been that way or felt like that for the better part of a year. There have been so many people who’ve supported me along the way – my family, my friends, my coach, the SleekGeek community, my health coaching clients, Facebook friends, internet strangers (the ones who don’t send dick pics) and many many more. And I feel like me going back to unhealthy ways is a giant middle finger to each and every one of them. It’s a hugely heavy burden to bear so again, wine. And more wine. You see the pattern?

Before you start to slit your wrists however, this isn’t going to be a completely negative, my life sucks, I’m a terrible person, woe is me kind of thing. I’m back from the dead but it’s not a fucking zombie apocalypse. Good job because holy crap I am too unfit to outrun anyone. Instead I see it as more of a phoenix rising from the ashes type thing, new life, rebirth, clean slate, the whole bang shoot.

So that’s what I’m doing here. Giving you a wave, telling you what I’ve been up to (mostly Home Bar and Mr Delivery), and letting you know that both my blog and my health journey have been resurrected. With gusto. Please join me as I get back on the horse. For one thing, I’m going to need a crane to lift me back on the saddle. For another, life is always so much more fun with company around. I hope that includes you.

Kiss 1

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34 responses to “Back from the dead

  1. renejupp says:

    I so relate to this post..

    My son is now 2.. i lost all preggy weight plus then some after he was born.. then i gained a shitload and now weigh more than when I was 9months pregnant.. but its not going to get me down. Despite working stupid hrs, spending every possible minute I can with my son and husband, i am making myself count for a change.. i matter and i deserve it! I declined many a bday invite in 2016.. i went into hiding.. but 2017 will SEE Me!!

  2. Theresa Willmot says:

    And THAT is why you inspire me! You are honest and real about this whole losing weight,living healthy thing! I can relate to your experience because in the past three years I’ve been losing and gaining the same 10kgs over and over again….Welcome back. I’ve missed you.

  3. Natalie says:

    I love this! So raw and so real. Good on you xxx

  4. Nicole says:

    Glad to have you back. I know how you feel. I got a little side tracked last year. Gained back 14 of the 24kg lost. Just got to keep going. Please don’t hide your crazy from us! We need you. 😉

  5. Michelle says:

    Great piece. Still behind you 100%

  6. Diane says:

    Always remember you still awesome. Good luck for the second round. We have your back

  7. Carol Clarke says:

    Urgh, we have tried a 6 week challenge (not enjoying the challenge at all) and only have 2 weeks left. Finding the last 2 weeks really hard to get up and go. Somehow sleeping has become our best friend. Then we started the 100 day challenge (again) and that lasted about 2 weeks. So totally understand where you are and totally understand the get up and go … AGAIN

    Best of luck.

  8. MARCELLE DURANDT says:

    Brilliant piece of honesty – I am the same canoe at this point – I teach 6 Zumba Fitness classes a week, 2 of which are HiiT ….. BUT – Because I cannot get my freeking act together with eating clean for more than 2 days in a row before leaping off the wagon, or keeping my promise to myself that I will stay away from the SauvBlanc, I cannot lose a single kg. So much for me telling my students to eat clean, blah blah blah blah, inspiring them to keep positive …. Droning on & on at them about “You cannot out-exercise a bad diet” – I’m such a fake.

    But, having read your piece, I now want to psych myself into trying harder here. Thanks for still being an inspiration.

  9. Welcome back Nicola. I can so relate. I am not an inspiration (yet) to many, but I do know the feeling of being uninspired and feeling like a fake. I have all this knowledge that I share freely with friends and family about what (should) works, you know, the signs behind it all, but I have nothing to show for it. Made worse when someone sends me a pic of a tummy magic drink they are selling. Makes me feel even worse because, by their definition, they don’t see the change they feel I should be having. As much as I want to say ‘fuck off of my journey” to that, I can’t. I have to accept that maybe the progress truly is not there or way too minuscule for anyone to see. Which is a hard pill to swallow when I have been on this journey, actively for the last 4 years. Enjoyed reading this, as always. You can do it, you inspire me a lot.

  10. Amina says:

    I KNOW you can do it!!!!!!!!! Will be on the sidelines cheering you on! xoxox

  11. adriana7707 says:

    Welcome back! It takes a lot of guts to admit that you’ve gone completely off the rails. The great thing is, you are getting back up again. I must admit, it gets harder to get back up when we fail, but that is more reason for us to not fail again. Sure, we won’t be perfect little bunnies, but we can be great most of the time. You may have had a bad year, but in December you have helped me a lot getting my mindset right. Thank you and good luck. YOU CAN DO THIS! Let’s kick 2017s in the butt!

  12. Anna says:

    Welcome back Nicola! Its not easy to drag yourself back up with expectant eyes following your every move and revelling in failure. You have more balls than anyone I know x

  13. Bo says:

    Thanks for being real and unpretentious. So refreshing. It’s rare nowadays!

  14. Kate Watts says:

    Yay!!! A blog post. I’d forgotten how much I’d missed these. You do realise like 100’s of us read this one and were like “thank fuck, it’s not just me”. Brave of you to share with us, we all fall off the horse. Just gotta keep trying and stay on for longer next time.

    Kate

  15. Deborah says:

    Your honesty and complete lack of BS is so inspiring and we look forward to having you back. Everyone falls off the wagon now and again – it’s how and when they get back on. Welcome back!!!

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