Losing It

My mad, crazy journey to health and beyond

Keep on moving, the time will come one day

on January 26, 2016

I really struggled with finding something positive to write today. In fact, I’ve just spent the past half hour watching 90s music videos on YouTube, procrastinating. Which is where my headline came from. Thank you to Jazzie B and the gang.  

Why is today’s blog such a hard one? Because after seeing this on the scale last week, I was absolutely CONVINCED that today I would finally, FINALLY, move down into the 70s, after having had a full-on relationship with the 80s for the past ten months:

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So when I got on the scale this morning and saw this instead:

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You can imagine how devastated I was. Usually I only allow myself to feel the emotion of a weigh-in, good or bad, for the amount of time I’m actually standing on the scale. As soon as I step back onto the bathroom floor, it’s out of my mind and back to work. But this morning was a little different. Instead of immediately going to my room and changing into my gym gear, I sat on the (closed) toilet seat for a few minutes, taking some deep breaths and trying not to cry. I also made a mental note to put my underwear back on before doing that again, because that toilet seat was COLD.

It’s one thing to see a gain on the scale when you’ve been sitting on the couch stuffing your face all week. Sure it’s never fun seeing that you’ve picked up weight, but you know you deserved it. Pizza isn’t a food group, and neither are chocolate brownies (more’s the pity). But when you’ve been training like a motherfucker 6 days out of 7, hitting your macros spot on every day, and saying no to all manner of sweet treats and cocktails and calorie-laden awesomeness, having the scale tell you that you’ve gained weight is like a slap in the face. And a cruel one at that.

A few years ago, seeing that would have sent me straight back to bed, then straight to McDonald’s as soon as they opened. Because fuck it, if being healthy won’t help you lose weight, then who gives a shit anymore. Might as well be unhealthy and enjoy life, right? Thankfully, those days are behind me. I might not like seeing the scale go up, but I’m made of sterner stuff now. So I went and put my gym gear on, had my oats and coffee, watched QI, and then banged out some back squats like a boss. Because that’s what I do now. And it’s better than being knee-deep in Big Macs.

I won’t lie though, I’m not exactly feeling full of the joys of spring right now. It’s times like these where I honestly and truly question if I’m ever going to reach my goal weight. As soon as I think I’m making progress, it’s like I take two steps back. It is massively, hair-pullingly frustrating, and I am exhausted.

Thankfully, I’m not quite at the ‘fuck this shit, where the McD’s menu’ stage quite yet. But I have to carry on somehow though. Which is why, instead of focusing on what I haven’t achieved this past week, I’m going to focus on what I have. Such as:

  1. I ran my fastest 5K EVER on Saturday!

Parkrun result

  1. I fit into a dress that I haven’t been able to wear since I was TWENTY YEARS OLD!

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3. I ran (ignore the mileage on the watch) 12.5km WITHOUT STOPPING ONCE!

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  1. I was in a photoshoot for Women’s Health! No pics now, but wait for the May issue. I am planking like a rock star!
  2. I look better naked! Although I’m not showing you any pictures of that. You’ve already seen me in my underwear – I have to draw the line somewhere. You’ll just have to use your imagination 😉
  3. Finally, and most importantly, I’m blessed with the support of family, friends, and Facebook groups, reminding me why I’m doing this, reminding how far I’ve come, and reminding why I still need to keep going. There are too many of you to mention, which is a reward in itself, and I thank each and every one of you.
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Mostly this is what they keep reminding me about.

So that’s what’s going to get me through the next week, and that’s what I’m going to be focusing on, rather than my relationship to gravity at 4:45am this morning. Although I’m still giving the scale the finger every time I walk past the bathroom. Because that’s what it deserves.

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11 responses to “Keep on moving, the time will come one day

  1. Kerry says:

    Nicola, I haven’t read your blog for a while (too busy feeling sorry for myself while stuffing my face with pizza and drinking copious amounts of lager) but man this has inspired me.

    It is a stark reminder that losing weight is fucking hard for a lot of people out there, not only me! the key is to keep on going, fall down 7 times stand up 8.

    Thank you for the continual inspiration. You rock!

  2. Lisa says:

    You truly fucking rock. I wouldn’t even get on the scale after all those pb’s and list of achievements. Some proud of you. Can’t wait to see the women’s health xx

  3. Amina says:

    Well done Nicola! Looking great my friend xxxx Loving the stamina!

  4. Breda says:

    Nicola you inspire me I have gained 10kgs in 6 month yes too much pizza and larger now back running I am sure I well have to pay extra road tax as have probably put potholes in the road, yes its bloody hard and we work in cycles but you have been so consistent well done and you look flipping amazing XXXXXX

    • nicface says:

      Thanks so much Breda – it does go in cycles, you’re right. I came a bit unstuck at the end of last year but am now back with a vengeance. Now all I need is for the scale to co-operate! Good luck, I’m sure you’ll get rid of those 10kgs in no time!

  5. Bo says:

    Wow, I wish I could run at that pace! You’re doing great, keep going!

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